Give what you most need to receive...
I AM a giver. I have been carrying this energy for as long as I remember. It started with hand made gifts in high school for friends for no reason at all besides my heart was moved. It was standing along side of someone for 8 years making french press coffee in the morning before they went to work. It shows up in finding random items at a thrift store then texting a friend saying “I found the letterpress box you were looking for!” This giving has showed up in making food for friends in my kitchen called “Cafe Rae” that was established in 2017. It had become such a ritual that a sign was made. It has showed up in doing more prep ahead of time to make work easier for a team. It has showed up by serving and giving affirmation beads with 108 I AM affirmations when it is pressed on my heart for someone.
This giving has brought so much joy though it has also showed up in ways that over the years have felt heavy. This giving has showed up in the control of holding everything together - there was always toilet paper, food, and whatever else needed was always stocked. Over the years I have seen how the belief of not thinking I was enough has showed up in some of the why I do things. I only know how to give. I love to do things for people to make their life simpler, lighter and maybe easier. These reasons do not always serve others or yourself because they have been masked by fear and lack. The feeling of doing something you have always done and then not doing it is heavy. It can feel empty, depleted, a lack, an emptiness of you feel you have not received back.
Over the years of studying the ACIM work I have learned how the ego can get involved in giving and many of us know that giving for any other reason but love can lead to frustration, disappointment and heaviness. We all have felt these things when we carry expectations from another of what we want to receive. It could be wanting to acknowledged, seen, heard, it could be a task in your mind they don’t even know you want them to do for you.
The ego can having a strong hold on the act of giving. In the ACIM it goes through such beautiful concepts of shining light on this concept. It covers on how when we give we feel as if we have given what we had away and now have nothing, that we are lacking. This could show up in loving someone and then the relationship ending and you feel like you have lost it all and then your mind begins to guard your heart from giving again.
The Course teaches us how we give we receive what we most need. That giving Is infinite. You never lose what you give. You have an abundant amount of love to give. When it gets heavy when you have given something and you feel disappointed this is a sign the ego is involved. Over the years I have learned that what we give is never lost. That when we give out of true giving that we will receive what we most need - this usually shows up not in the way we have given to others. This giving is not identical in that what you give matches what you receive though giving carries love and this love will meet you when you most need in ways you can imagine. Miracles are love. Miracles are who you are.
When the journey becomes heavy I invite you to practice “I For-Give and Release”... and then fill in the blank. (you can do this in a journal, out loud or mindfully) This practice clears and creates space for love to move in you for you to see the scenario differently. This practice gives love a way in and shifts for you to receive a miracle. This is what you need. The ego covers us with illusions of staying separate and feeling all the resentment etc that can come when you are a giver and have given out of fear and not love. I have been forgiving the beliefs of not being enough, and having to give or someone won’t like me, I have been forgiving over-giving out of fear or lack of love. I have been forgiving the guilt I feel if I don’t help someone with their dishes (sounds funny though I have something about helping someone keep their kitchen clean). I have been practicing noticing how I feel when I give and to shift gently my thoughts if they are not of love and more from “I have too”. I have had friends and team members shine light on me to begin releasing the control of having it all together and to trust the process and to allow my body to heal.
This writing is honest. It is vulnerable for as I write this I feel a heavy heart and by choosing to bring this topic to the light I AM for-giving to SEE it differently. Why ? Because I choose love. I choose growth. I choose my healing and even if it’s uncomfortable I am willing to go to be shown how to guide others through. To help others heal and create more space within. Thank you for showing up and giving your heart here.